Dear Father Christmas ,
I hope this letter finds you dead . I have been very revenge-driven recently. Some of my biggest accomplishments this year were not going over my data limit and getting out of bed . I did have a few minor setbacks, like when I didn’t end you sooner. Regardless, I hope my deeds are enough to earn me a spot on the nice list!
This year, I’m really hoping for better coping mechanisms and a robotic fork that would twirl my pasta for me . It also wouldn’t hurt if you could send your head on a stake. Oh, and if you get around to it, very tiny versions of very large things would be nice, too.
I am very excited for you to visit my parent’s house . I’ll be sure to leave out empty plates — they’re homemade and very on-brand ! I hope you fester in darkness !